Record of a Journey

haerthguard @ 2006-07-19T00:55:00

2006-07-19T06:00:07Z

Who do we think we're fooling? Prentending like we are to care, to have feelings for others, to be worth a damn.

I'm begining to accept the fact that the years will toll on, and I will wither up and die as all fools should. Once I thought myself an important person. Because I loved, or was loved, or felt close to God. Only one thing is changed- I no longer believe that being loved or religious matters. Not really anymore. In youth, oh yes! Youth is where dreams lie just waiting to be grasped and all things are laid out as though we are KINGS! Outside of that, I've lost sight of everything. Without the vision of youth I lack the ability to take those dreams beyond into adulthood.

Well shit.

Ah, monami

2005-10-22T02:27:57Z

Well, behold daring world- for I am free! Free of Tyrany! Free of Caribou! I have been fired.

This is both sad and freeing, as I am now able to pursue greater ambitions... but not at the time of my choosing. The Gods of Fate have stepped in to guide my lazy ass to this crossroads, this turning point. From here, I move on to better things- mark my words!

But, tradition stand that I only LJ in a state of inebriation. Right now I am not sufficiantly drunk to make a proper rant. Perhaps I will return, dear readers.

Discombobulated(sp?)

2005-05-27T02:10:34Z

Well, I've been thinking a little bit about my journal. One of my friends- in fact the very girl that got me to look at LJ in the first damn placed- has told me how weird and embarrising my LJ is. Apparently, it's not normal for people to get drunk and tackle philisophical, emotional, or ethical problems in a flying rage of drama-text. I'll be the first to admit I hate and make fun of the over-the-top drama-queen. So... How does this journal differ from the sad fourteen year old goth chick, sad girl in snow kind of cry for attention?

Until I can answer that, I don't think I'll do any more LJ. Maybe my friend was right. Maybe she needs to go fuck herself and let me be my own person. I dunno. All I know is that these are the things that weigh my mind. Maybe they are better kept inside. I'll reflect upon this.

dream

2005-05-09T01:24:12Z

I just had a dream where I, as half life hero Gordan Freeman, was forced into the choice of whether or not to kill my lovley wife. Being that it was a half-life dream, I'm sure you can understand how weird the circumstances were. Basically, she said it was alright because of some strange alternate DimSci project that she and the Administrator were wroking on. I don't think I pulled the trigger before the storm woke me up.

Anyway, I just woke up from about 12 hours of sleep after the pirate party- which means its now 8:23pm. Damn. There goes sunday. Ah well, Saterday was truly awesome! The party itself went very well- I think everyone had a blast. I know I did. I stayed up way past dawn and that has always been one of my favorite things. Now... what the hell to do? Play half-life, of course.

Ahhhh..... YES!!!!

2005-05-03T05:52:35Z

So Pissed! So drunk!!! So very pissed and drunk!

let's start with what I had wrote earlier. I've drank more since, and it's FINALLY hit me! The only true tradition is to do this kind of work.

Well- hours later I've hashed out a bunch of shit with my roomate and Nicole. Sad fact is that I said a shitload of very worthy, very true things. None of them is going to be remembered. One thing is that they were concerned with my emotional walls and my focus on failure.

Maybe that's true. But I hope they remember some of the GREAT THINGS I've said tonight. It was far from wrong, I believe.

Rough times ahead for the three of us. My goal remains the same- to create a harmonious situation where the three of us could live and deal with each other as we were. The problem is that not all feel the same as I do. Such is life.

later I'll post the "predrunk" rants from earlier before the extra shots finally hit me. Not as good as my drunk stuff, but I was prevented from typing shit out when the good buzz hit me. I blame others for robbing you- my loyal readers- of the pure drunken genius that flows from me. Cast not your hate upon me.

Oh Dory, the wisest woman I've ever known. Can you still see the same person within this shell??? Oh, but how out of touch from that dream am I?!?!?!

haerthguard @ 2005-04-19T22:16:00

2005-04-20T05:18:41Z

"I practice martial arts so I never have to use it"

A great quote from a great teacher- my tae kwon do instructor Brent Belfanz. Recently I was able to meditate (under extreme circumstances, as explained later) about this philosophy of martial arts. I never really took it to heart how good it ultimately was. Martial Arts teaches control and discipline. Because we practice that day in and day out, when something upsetting comes along or if people are mean and abrasive toward us, we possess the clarity of mind to stay calm and understand the situation as a whole.

I meant to relate this to my kids class today, but as it turns out 6 and 7 year old kids are rather distracting. I never got around to that, but rather did a poor attempt to illustrate the importance of respect of martial arts. Alas, and mourn for the lost sons of Uric.

But the "extreme conditions" of meditation I found myself in are rather difficult to explain. Basically, I found myself rather upset at a POSSIBILITY that I was being disrespected and lied to by my roomate and my friend. (Who may or may not read this- I post in the risk that they do) Anyway, I found that as I tried to sleep, my blood was pumping and that I was becoming emotionally distraught (to say the least). My psychosis was bouncing back and fourth trying to determine what was real and what was imagined- but to no avail.

Enter the philosophy of the Hagakure, book of the samurai. By preparing myself ahead of time for the worst of what might be the truth and determining the best course of action if such was the case, I was able to accept the worst of scenarios.

That's not important. What is important is that during meditation and contemplation, I realized the great importance of that lesson. With my anger at such an autrocity (which ended up my imagination after all- to the relief of all) I could easily have considered violence and throwing a fit. But because I practiced Martial Arts, I knew how few answers violence would be able to produce in such a situation. And I was able to remain calm and come to a descion no matter what the outcome of the doubts I had were. If my friends had decided that they would not respect my opinion and my feelings, I could deal with that situation without resorting to the base physical and emotional violence involved. Even were my fears to be realized and I ended up feeling betrayed, I possess the control and discipline to not seek vengance or retribution for what happened.

Or so I would like to believe. During meditation it felt great- it felt real. Like I came to a very difficult yet very wise choice given my crossroads. But, like I said, I was wrong in my doubts. My friends had not snuck around my back and betrayed my feelings. It was, indeed, my imagination. But because of the lessons taught to me, I was able to realize that it was certainly possible that I was wrong. Lacking that- I think I would have assumed the worst as truth and acted in a selfish and base manner according to my fears.

That is the path to the Dark Side, young padowan.

All I know is that I felt great coming to the conclusion of how to handle the worst case scenario. The next morning I felt great- like a weight had been relieved of my shoulders and I was just now able to breath again. Perhaps that is just spring, but I felt very "healing" and gave a few really good backrubs.

Anyway... I know there were a few other things I thought about that would make a great drunken rant, but I can't remember them now. Genius lies in the spur of the moment. You kids may want to remember that quote. I gotta go to bed and start yet another day of hard work and karate teaching.

Oh yeah! I just wanted to say that teaching karate has really enriched me- it feels good to work with the kids of Jefferson. I thought today that I was spending a lot of time with kids. It's true! Three days a week at karate, plus my nephews- I'm learning more and more about how to handle kids. It just encourages me to one day aspire to become a father. For a long time I gave up that dream, thinking love had left my life forever. I don't know if I'm ready to take up the great cause again, but I do know that I really, REALLY like working with kids!

Semper Fi
(Yes, that means even you!)
Cale Karl Albert.

BBQ

2005-04-10T04:56:04Z

Went to a barbeque of my friend and boss'... it was pretty fun hanging out with coworkers in a social enviroment. had a few drinks, including a half vodka, half pure vanilla extract shot. Yuck! But now I'm home at midnight with nothing really better to do than LJ?!?! I thought something would happen afterward, but I guess not. Gotta validate my own self worth, I guess- can't just wait for someone else to do that for me tonight.

Since I can't play Devil May Cry, I might just head to bed. No good games I can play drunk here. Devil May Cry is a great game, though.... wow.

Anyway, I have to do something cool before I kill.

Evangellion

2005-03-25T06:42:25Z

Well world, it has come time again for another drunken rant.

I just got done looking at an LJ community about Neon Genisis Evangellion, and I remember my highschool days when that show meant so very much to me. It has it all: philosophy, spirituality, relationship and social analyzation... you name it! There is depth upon depth to it. At one point in time I thought I understood it all. Through it I found my faith in Kaballah and studied Jewish mystic lore. But lately I haven't studied anything- mystic lore, tarrot, taoism... nothing. I really need to get back into my research. To believe is not always enough. I have preached "Responsiblity of Faith" for a while now, but haven't really followed through. Maybe if I get the anime series (the new re-release on DVD looks sexy) it will serve to stir my mind more and drive me toward that goal.

I need all the help I can, if I'm going to help some of my friends who need that sound bit of sage advice or spiritual guidence.

The crushing realization of life...

2005-03-23T04:11:50Z

My life is NOT a sitcom.

Damn, how annoying is that??? Not only will I not remain 19 for five years (as previously led to believe), but the very real weight of my mistakes remain for more than one episode.

So what is a questing Jedi Knight to do? Take another shot! That's what!

Ah, but all silliness aside, I've been giving some very serious thought to signing up for classes to become a certified shiatsu therapist and accupuncturist. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) has long intrigued me- and it would aid so very much in my Martial Arts. I wonder what Mr. Belfanz would say, the instructor who what like a second father to me, were I to both study TCM and teach karate like I'm doing now?! But can I live up to that monumental icon of greatness?

Well world- the sad fact that someone will read this and think ill of me is prohibiting me from fully explaining my thoughts. I don't like that fact too much, but there lies the naked truth.

I saw a customer of mine, Tim, today at work. He's a mute, possibly deaf man who may or may not have the ability to cognate rational ideas. I heard that he was once a violinist with the Minnesota Orchestra, since he's a true Savant. I might actually believe that. Yet I hardened my heart against this man, and so many like him, that compassion toward him may seem an impossiblility. I would say that I love him, as I love all creatures of Mankind under God. But I won't give him free coffee? Have I truly lost all compassion? Will I never again let another into my heart? Ummmm.... maybe. I would LOVE to believe that such is not the case. But I would also love to believe that I am not a sinister, selfish, decrepid, old villian who is unredeamable in the eyes of God. So much for that, eh?

Semper Fi
CKA

St. Pat's, 2005

2005-03-18T07:29:06Z

Wow- I had a great time. I talked with Josh, danced to the Malloys and Boiling Lead, and got fairly blizzed. It's that condition in which I write this, in fact.

I wanted to write another drunken rant earlier in the week, but Donovan Love was busy talking online with his honies..... or something like that. By the time I got online, my buzz ws killed. Not tonight- man I'm drunk. I was probably gong to write something about my Karate class and all it's failures, but I can't seem to understand that very concept. Oh, on Wed. I got to send out my first teacher -to-parent letter

But god DAMN what a good night!! I had the time of my life dancin the jig to some good ol' Irish folk music. O'Donovan's sucked because it was too crowded, but what did I expect?!?! Oh well.

But I need to sober up to go to bed. Later world- know that I have loved you for a time. Too bad that time is gone.

Brave new world

2005-02-28T06:12:35Z

"Brave new world, that has such putzes in it"

Wow, a lot has happened. So much so, in fact, that it would be impossible to recount it all and explain it. For those involved, I'm sure you feel as overwhelmed by the continuous chain of events as I. But growth and learning do not end- so life would repeatedly remind me. Taking lessons learned and scars earned, I can only now strive forward to be better than who I was. If I have forgotten that before, I am even more the fool. I cannot afford to lose sight of that again.

Cryptic enough? Maybe.

I can't believe I missed the GT that happened here in Minneapolis this weekend!!! So infuriating that after I spent so much time, energy, and money on Warhammer (a great game and wonderful hobby if I do say so myself) I missed a large event such as this! Fortunately, I can take some solice in that there will be another next year- promised by Games Workshop. By then, I want to be a dangerous and crafty general of my Ratmen that will walk with confidence and inspire fear in my enemies!

To that end, The Evil Alliegence of Dark Elves, Skaven, and Beastmen soundly defeated what meager Defenders of Good the Dwarves, Empire, High Elves, and Bretonians could muster! It was not a battle, it was a MASSACRE! Some blame rolls, some blame some close calls for charges. I personally chalk it up to good sound tactics driven home with excellent army selection and teamwork on our part. Though the battle plan for the Good team wasn't bad, it did not have good execution as they lost sight of their original goals. This would mark the first victory I can claim over Kyle, even if it was not in one-to-one combat. This gives me hope for the next meeting engagement I hold with my new nemesis and brings back the thrill of fighting Criss, whom before I considered a defeated opponent. Lately he's been getting good- really good. The thrill of the challenge keeps me up even at this late hour!!!

I love contesting my wits and cunning against my friends in fierce yet friendly competition. But also I love sharing with them the rich and exciting tales that roleplaying provides. I'm torn between two worlds, and neither one is my own. Alas, and mourn for the lost sons of Uric!

Ah, the sweet embrace

2005-02-12T07:50:49Z

It seems that a man can fall victim to comfort- when respite appears before him delusions of escape cloiud all judgement. I don't only speak of myself in this instance, but also of others. If we believe relief is within our grasp, we can fool ourselves into anything. That is a shame. Why should I seek respite for what IS and what should be!?... The matter of my fate is not determined by me, so why should I struggle against it. The human condition, I suppose. To rally against what is certain: is that courage or is it only foolishness????

I am a man who is both better off and destined to be alone. Why should I spurn that fate? For what reason do I drag others into a destructive spiral in my attempt to escape what fate has bound to my path? For respite; to believe that such is not the case and that I will one day find a happiness beyond previous happiness.

But what can replace the "Once In A Lifetime" that slipped by me so long ago now? Not one thing in this mortal plane. God, it may just be too much to ask of a young man! To dedicate his life to a lost and noble cause; to fight for that which is no longer there. To serve for love of God and the Throne even though the greatest gift of life has been denied.

To love is the best life has to offer. Without it, I may freely live as though I were a dead man. Do I now take up the path of the Samurai and follow the warrior's path to my doom??

Sure, why not? Got nothin' better to do.

Semper Fi

Nothing to do and not quite drunk

2005-01-17T04:32:11Z

Well, I just got done watching disc 1 of season 2 of Kenshin... and it was fantastic, of course! One of the "big three" anime that could be the Best of All Time! Umm... I've got nothing, I guess- far too sober- I'll just go check my laundry.

Drunk again

2005-01-10T00:39:45Z

Ah, back on livejournal... What morid curiousity brings me back? I can't answer that one

it seems life has been pulling me in several directions lately, and I am unable to find the one, clear path that would take me through this forest of thorns. My alternatives? Do nothing, or do something wrong. Which is the greater evil?

Given a choice between Duty or Freedom, which would YOU choose? I feel the call of duty strongly, but I am held accountable by several people. What needs take priority? Who do I satisfy and who do I deny? Can I justify that one need is greater/more worthy than another? Who am I to make that call? I am the man in the middle, and the choice IS mine. The strength to make that choice lies elsewhere, I do believe. I cannot simply dictate who will get their way and who will go wanting. So far, I think I've done things "as they should be"- governed by laws of Fate more than laws of Man or laws of virtue. I cannot continue the way I have been, however. I am ignoring several principles and ethics that I would otherwise hold dear. Its strange how a man can turn a way from his values so easily given a chance. A few smoke and mirrors to make him forget where his sensibilities are, and he can betray all virtues of heaven without a second thought. Well, now I have a second thought. While my heart remains true- I have to turn away from some to save others. This should help reinforce my previous philosophies...

I pray, as I always have, that God will help me in times of doubt and need. But there is no guarentee in God's answers- are they simply my imaginations or is it that wonderfully beautiful and simple elegance of Faith that guides me? And who could say for certain? Not a lowly mortal such as I, that is for sure.

Ha!

2004-11-26T05:54:23Z

</td><td valign="top">You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

</tr>

You are 34% geek

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

According to this, I'm even less geeky than eowynmn! Boo-ya!

W00T!!

2004-10-23T23:17:48Z

Today, I entered what I called the "Warhammer 40K Gauntlet" with my buddy Criss. Three consecutive 1,000 point games, with my list of Eldar would face Imperial Guard, Tyrannid, and finally Thousand Sons. I thought this would be horribbly difficult, as my list would not be able to change between battles, while his armies varied greatly.

Three games- three armies. My 1,000 points of Eldar destroyed them all. 8 hours later, I emerged scarred, burned, but ultimately VICTORIOUS!

The Mind of a Genius

2004-10-19T05:13:39Z

"Beneath this Puckish exterior lies the mind of a genius" - The Joker

You know, looking at the new D&D material, I realize I just paid a heap-o-cash for a bounty of rewritten, watered down material with just the smattering of original content that made me want it in the first damn place. Do you know how much effort it will take to rework the mistakes laiden within to make the books apropriate for my own setting: Midhaven?

It just hardens my relsolve to become part of the gaming industry. My friend Jake is starting college to become a game programmer in the video industry, so I think it all too "apropo" if I were the RPG equivilant.

What am I doing awake at Midnight anyway? I've got a 12 hour shift tomorrow, so I should be getting some rest.
That said, I should really start on my ascention. For those that wish to see my rise to the top and be a part of the revolution, I'm currently accepting applications for a "Gaming Secretary" to help me keep my notes in order and tasks in line. My mind tries to encompass all aspects of an idea at once, making it difficult to focus on one area until completion.

To me, Gunslingers! To ME!

Miles to go before I sleep

2004-10-17T19:50:24Z

I have just returned from a walk, and noticed that it is begining to snow. The sky is an all-white blanket of calm, edged with trepidation. The stark beauty of the begining enraptures me, much like the beauty of a blank page.

I was coming from Pheonix Games- my "One Stop Geek Shop"- with an armload of new D&D material to prossess, analyze, and incorporate into my ever-expanding campaign world known simply as "Midhaven" for now. The daunting task before me is this, my friends: To Create. Let's analyze for a second, what really is D&D? At it's basic root, it's a game. Pure and simple- a game of combat, exploration, tatics, and roleplaying. Us vs Them, Good vs Bad, Experience, Gold, Magic, and Swords, Swords, Swords! But isn't there something more? It lies in the word Roleplay... Worlds rich with life and character. Ideas that turn events and create a flow of story that reaches out to people- ideals that can be upheld and shared. Shared over Doritos and Cherry Pepsi, maybe... but communicated None the Less.

Those who are familliar with Moulin Rouge may identify. This is a quest of Truth, Beauty, Art, and Love. And most of all I believe in Love.

In all honesty, I'm a little daunted by the task I've laid out before me. World-shaping is no easy job, even though I feel it comes naturally to me. Laying that world of my imagination, setting moments of spun gold into motion among my fellows and sharing that essential essence of the mind requires more than being a geek and reading rulebooks all day. For those Dark Tower lovers, I would share my khef with my ka-tet.

We are Gamers- we are One from Many! That's a hoot! Yet in a way, true. No, we are no Gunslingers and we may never travel the Beams to the Dark Tower. But what we do is important, it is inherently good, is it not? It sounds as if I'm trying to convince my self, and I suppose I am. I just don't want to believe that it's "just a game" after all. Because that WOULD be sad.

Pain in the neck

2004-10-13T04:05:27Z

Well, I've got some pinched nerve or something in my neck, and I choose to blame a dream in which I saw a hawk die. That hawk was friend and servant of mine, I know... beyond that, I don't really know what happened in the dream. Maybe it was my familliar, because we shared a telepathic link. I saw him with a wing torn off and legs broken. Through the link he sent me the pain- I remember that well. And the fear. Something about it's "Master" was that me? Or was it something more frightening?

Just more proof that dreams are a pain in the neck.

whatever

2004-10-12T03:09:39Z

Man, have I got a "case of the Mondays" I truly hate that term, but today I think it's kinda aplicable. Whatever man.

Slept throught a beautiful autumn afternoon, and now I'm going to be up all night when I should be sleeping. Whatever

Youngbloods

2004-10-11T03:30:34Z

Well, gaming this weekend was less-than-successful. The whole session consisted of a five hour combat that ambushed and killed 2 players. Sounds hard-core, but the problem was the atmosphere. There were many factors that all lead to the feel of the game being slow and boring. The music, for one, was the completely wrong tempo. Someone put in ambiant/goth music and that's just not good combat music. Second, we had a couple of mysterious no-shows. Adam decided that parking was too difficult to deal with (whatever man) and chose to play City of Heroes all day. That REALLY pissed me off and put me in a huge funk. I didn't really have my heart in it from the start because of him. Dan "Squeegie" apparently just slept through the whole day, or something. So that was a major bummer. Also, I failed to get a large grid map from Office Max, so people didn't really know what was going on in the combat. Each of the players was kinda in their own little world, even though their characters were standing shoulder-to-shoulder in a unified defense against extreme odds.

I'll admit the dice rolling took a lot of time, and passing around the map got slow and annoying. But I blame the failure of a fun session on the overall mood caused by the above. That's why the combat took five hours of rolling ("I miss, I hit, I do X damage... is it my turn yet? I'm going to smoke.")

That's not going to stop me- I'll make the next session more badass and even grander to make up for said failures. I think it was a one-time fluke.

Yar Blar

2004-10-06T02:05:46Z

Well, I haven't really spent any time online in some time- I almost forgot I even HAVE an Lj.

I've been doing a lot of D&D lately, working on the Youngbloods campaign. So far, it's going pretty well, but I lost an entire notebook worth of information! The contents of the notebook cannot be replaced easily, if at all... so yeah, I'm a little pissed. But I've got a good session lined up for Saterday that should take some people through a vicious Goblin Ambush. The fight itself might take a few hours.

OH! There's an idea! A few of the healers have been affected by a strange disease. I haven't really explored the idea of it yet, but a being of Negative Energy has planted a seed in them that has been slowly killing them. If they use healing magic or channel positive energy, their body is racked with pain and they may fall unconsious. I can use that to eliminate a few players right off the bat at use the oporunity to kill off others! Genius!

You know, I joke around a lot about being a Genius in my D&D or writting, but I really do hold some of these ideas in high regard. Is it justified? I don't know...

I don't fucking believe that shit!!!

2004-09-22T23:53:59Z

I just laid down an awesome journal entry that was to be labeled "the clear ring of silver trumpets" and it detailed the inspirations and aspirations of one increadible day. What happened? Something about a wrong year entry in my journal (how did THAT happen) and now all the wonderful writing is gone! And that's it! It's GONE MUTHAFUKKA!!! I can't repeat that perfomance! So BOOO!!! BOO!!! You'll never read it and I'll never remember because something about an incorrect year placement. FUCK THAT!

haerthguard @ 2004-09-20T22:45:00

2004-09-21T03:59:28Z

Well, another uneventful day at the candy factory. I've died so many times on COH that I think I'll never reach level 15... ah, the problem with overambitious groups.

Yeah... that's about it for me

Mourn the loss of a warrior!

2004-09-20T05:50:18Z

This weekend, something happened that has not happened in a very long time. One of my characters died in D&D. I would just like to place a memorial to my Dwarven Fighter, my he rest in Valhalla as his eternal reward.

Actually, he wasn't all that good of a char, I can't even recall his name off hand- Barudur Grimlihof, or something like that. He was an asskicker, though, while he was around. "Slain by Philosophy" will be etched into his grave.